Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
