new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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