thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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