I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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