well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
