I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
