You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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