I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
