the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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