Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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