she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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