You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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