Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
