My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
