I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
