Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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