You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
