your thong is hanging out like whoa
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
