Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
God I need to hump something, right now.
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