I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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