I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm like, not good at living.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
