OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
