i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
