so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
