woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think my fart just growled at me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
