She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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