I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
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The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
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Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize