I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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