When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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