I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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