I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
