i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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