my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize