Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
There r osticjed everywhere
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
