Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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