I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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