Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.