i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
