i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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