what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
