I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
