He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
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I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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