I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
