sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
