hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
