No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
