Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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