This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
