I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
