You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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