Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
