feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
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