Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
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she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
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Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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