They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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