So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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