you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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